I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

I got a job at Apple today by answering just one question. The interviewer asked what my passion was and I said, ‘tax laws’.

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar… The bartender looks right at him and says, ” Hey! Don’t you go starting anything!”

I think three movies is a bit much for the hobbit. Seems like they’re really dragon it out.

An infectious disease enters a bar… The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” It replies, “Well, your not a very good host.” It isn’t mine, my doctor told me this one

What do you do if you break your arm in two places? Don’t go back to those two places.

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Did you guys hear about them putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill? To bad it is only going to be worth $12 now.

Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.