The Red Hot Chili Peppers failed to show up to their concert last night. They’re now known as the Red Hot Chili Flakes.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!

My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck. Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.

After placing me in charge of training new employees I can’t help but question my companies’ commitment to success.

Scientists have deciphered hieroglyphics thought to be 5,500 years old. The first full sentence says “This is a repost.”

For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer…

What do classical musicians write before going shopping? A Chopin Lizst (shopping list)