Teacher: What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm? Girl: Apollo neck jumpers ?

“this is your captain speaking. i bet you’re reading this in a man’s voice. well guess what! i’m a woman captain. women are captains too.”

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage…. So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.

*sees a truck* Nice. *sees a trucker* Oh, impressive. *sees a truckest* Ah yes. This is what I came for.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Shaving your head when you’re going bald is the ultimate “You can’t fire me, I quit.”

I think my cat’s a communist… He won’t shut up about Mao

A man hit’s a woman with a car. Who’s at fault ? the man, he should’t have been driving in the kitchen.;3

Hey guys, what’s the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?