I’m switching all of my clocks to a 24-hour format… …making it much easier to wait til 5 o’clock to start drinking

What does a Scottish cat say? Mee yew!

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

every snail has a perfectly baked cinnamon bun inside its shell

A bunch of white men came up with ways to solve institutional racism, and all without having to listen to even one black person. GREAT JOB!

The guy who stole my personal journal has died… My thoughts are with his family.

Q: What did the fisherman say to the card magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod!

Christmas is always awkward in Steve Harvey’s house None of the presents have the correct names.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.