Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it’s like we were cavemen.

“Look, daddy! I’m a doctor!” “Did you know that’s the same doctor kit I played with as a ki… OMG YOU DIDN’T LICK ANY OF IT, DID YOU?”

Why don’t any pirates live in Kansas? Because they all live in *Ar*kansas.

What do you call a burning rocket? Korean Barbecue.

1. Go to seminary. 2. Get degree. 3. ??? 4. Prophet.

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn’t pay 100 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

HEROIC ACT – I stick my head under dressing room doors to tell people they look nice in whatever they are trying on.

What do you call a group of black people? Antique farm equipment.

What’s the difference between French women and an NHL hocky team? The hockey team showers after 3 periods.

Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.