My wife is like listening to my favorite music with the volume up. Fucking the neighbour.

I just swallowed a whole box of scrabble pieces… My next shit could spell disaster

TIFU with my girlfriend… …She was on top

Why is it unjust to blame taxi drivers for cheating us? We call them to take us in. (From The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway. So this is a century old joke.)

What planet is so big the entire universe can fit in? Ur Anus.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.

Isn’t it amazing that your wallet is always so close to your ass…but somehow never smells bad?

If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you… …I would start thinking about you

Why do pencils shave? To look sharp