I can’t RSVP until I know the wifi situation at your event.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

If I had to choose between a stepstool and a device that let’s me get even higher… …I’d take the ladder. (I’ll just leave now)

Where does lonely soup go? To a brothel.

Nobody really knew that grandma had dentures until…. …it came out during a conversation

What did the corn stalk say to the other corn stalk? “That outfit makes you look very corny.”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If con is the opposite of pro … then is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why couldn’t the kid get into the pirate movie? It was rated R.

Never trust anyone under 30 lbs. Especially when it comes to driving directions. Babies are liars.