ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes? HER: What? No, I said asterisks. ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!

The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that’s coming.

Me and my best friend reverse our cars everywhere together. We go back a long way.

what do you call a group of naked old men doing yoga? Lululemonparty

TIFU by taking someone else’s Subway order Oops, wrong sub.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am Can you believe that? 3 in the morning, but luckily i was still up playing the drums.

A man walks into a bar… The barman realizes something is up, and gets security to escort him out.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.” “…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

[at bar] “Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.” Whoa that’s impressive! “I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

My friend told me I sounded pretentious in my essay I don’t get it: I don’t think I sound ostentatious.