I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn’t, I kicked the piece of shit before it did.

Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.

Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.

When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway

[1st date] *recalls buddy said women like a manly man* *but also, be sensitive* I like to work with my hands, But splinters make me cry.

What do you call a Russian with Tourettes Syndrome? Yukanol Fukov

Friends don’t let friends talk about Pi Lest they become irrational.