What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win? Atrophy.

At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode… I asked, “Are you two an item?”

There is no more cake. This is my suicide note.

Did you know that six days a week T.G.I. Friday’s thanks God for nothing?

[The Justice League on patrol] Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy… Batman:*chuckles* Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

What does a girls asshole and a 9v battery have in common? You know it’s wrong but eventually you stick your tongue to it.

When I was a kid, I knocked out the power in my house. Mom said it was just a phase.

Red sea. Dolphins for some reason can’t stop vacationing in Japan. Seriously, who told them that the coast was to die for.

Excuse me, I’m a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home?

Tomorrow is the start of International Holocaust Deniers Month Maybe better suited for /r/ImGoingToHellForThis?