How to spot the toughest guy in jail? He still has some whistle left in his fart.

What’s the hardest part about walking through a field of dead babies? My erection.

Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon balls!

What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vender ? Make me one with everything

Currently using my daughter’s iTouch to read your tweets. Also, reading her emails and writing shit on her Facebook page.

What will santa bring your fish this christmas? A scale letrix!

I was cured of lycanthropy. Now I’m a were-wolf.

When my wife starts … When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

Last time I used my phone was to call someone upstairs in my house b/c getting up is hard & I’m not trying to win the Olympics.