What did the 2 say to the 3? Do you even, bro?

[date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Why did Prince Eric leave Ariel when she became a human? He was just chasing tail.

“People want to feel special.. they’ll buy sugary piss in a bottle as long as it has their name on it.” – Executives at Coke

What’s the difference between Justin Bieber and Pinocchio? Some day, Pinocchio’s going to be a real boy.

Dick Cheney was found having sex with Sarah Palin in a speedboat. It wasn’t the first time he was caught offshore drilling.

Did you hear about that girl in the terrible car accident the other day? Her entire left side had to be amputated. She’s all right now.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?

I once knew a girl called Virginia… We called her Virgin for short, but not for long!

Yahoo answers is my primary care physician