Ugh. New Year’s Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven’t picked out which gang sign I’m going to hold up in photos

Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments… -me as a therapist

What’s the difference between a formally-dressed man riding a unicycle and a casually-dressed man riding a bicycle? Attire.

I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his food before it was cool.

I’ve started calling my girlfriend names like Custard, Ice cream, Pudding, Chocolate cake, or Apple pie. I’m planning to desert her.

Rioters are like school in July. No class.

What is the difference between a golfer and skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume. M: Yes I am. CW: You’re dressed as yourself? M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Two vegans get in an argument They now have beef