What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a thief? Nothing.

What do you get when you suck all of the Botox out of Madonna? Betty White.

Your wife and your lawyer are both drowning. You’ve got a choice to make. Do you go to lunch or a movie ?

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Two nuts were walking down the street.. One was assaulted

ME: I have so many questions SOOTHSAYER: forsooth ME: Exactly lol S: SOOTH ME: Yeah so- S: Sooth? ME: You only say sooth eh S: *nods* sooth

Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you’re angrily chasing them.

I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

Hey, yeah I’ll be ready in a minute. I’m just going to shower and jerkoff. just kidding, I’m not going to shower

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics