When does a hamburger wear a look like a smile button? When somebody says ‘Well done’!

Pop superstar, Will.i.am, has just bought a new car. It’s a Jag.u.r.

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!! Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’? Woman: Yes! No!

I am motherfucking sick of the motherfucking delays on this motherfucking train!

They should do a scene in a comedy movie where someone rides their bike into a parked car.

I finally mustard up the courage to tell my gf how I felt about her excessive sausage consumption Things took a turn for the wurst

A couple of Irishmen are walking down a dirt road . . . The come across a sign that says “Tree Fellers Wanted”. One of them says to the other, “To bad there’s only two of us.”

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring? Hundreds of years of disease and genocide.