What’s the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea. One shucks and fits and the other …

There are 10 types of people… (with a twist) There are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who don’t and those who understand the off-by-one error.

Who do mice worship? Cheesus. 🙂

My birthday is coming up, wife agreed to bday sex. Thankfully she’ll be out of town on a business trip so I’ll have the house all to myself.

I was blind for a while after eye surgery. Those were dark times.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

When I was a teenager, I tried to throw out all my boardgames… My parents were mad that I was throwing my Life away.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Whenever someone says they hate cats and they’re all shitty and snobby about it, I’m like, “Weird cuz you behave JUST like one.”

I am not an accident waiting to happen. I am an accident. Happening.