Why is Steve Jobs middle child unemployed? Because he’s always inbetween jobs.

If you have 12 enchiladas…. Is it a foot-alada?

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

What are Asian Tennis Players most well known for? The Back Hand

My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

Why can’t a ghost get anyone pregnant? Because he has a hollow-weenie

I blur that line between “not a morning person” and “serial killer.”

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password? Priest: We’re in Church! Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.