PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS: When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms. I call it Lip palm. It’s free.

I’m a huge fan of politically incorrect jokes. Listen to this absolute classic: “Abraham Lincoln was never president”!

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the “no-bell” prize.

Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn’t last as long for fat people

*flashes smile* *smile calls police*

I’m an optimistic pessimist… I see the glass as half empty, but there are free refills

I’m always frank with my sexual partners I don’t want them knowing my real name.

What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do? Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.

My sister told me she’s dating an Irish guy I said, “Oh really?” She replied, “No, O’Reilly.”

Why should you never shower with Pokemon? Because he may Pikachu