What is the meaning of life? A movie. Told to me by Siri. Pissed myself.

What do you call the history of a car? An autobiography.

The ostrich may have the right idea but I hate sand in my hair.

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

Where do American bees store their honey? In a USBee hive. ~Thank my ten year old for that one.

A woman’s work is never done. That’s why they get paid less. (Source: Frankie Boyle)

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

I left my Adderral in my Ford Fiesta I came back to a Ford Focus

How to eat French fries: 1) Eat all the good ones. 2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior. 3) Wait 5 minutes. 4) Eat all the yucky ones.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.