Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that? Then, don’t do that.

I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine… Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can

X says to Y : “i feel so close to you, i feel like zero divides us”

Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex.

I tried learning braille, but it was really tough. Those bumps are hard to see

Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

What did the Abominable Snowman do after he had had his teeth pulled out? He ate the dentist.

Wana hear a knock knock joke? Two guys walk into a bar…

Only 9 more days til Xmas! Can’t wait to see the look on my child’s face when he wakes up and realizes daddy spent too much time on Twitter.