What’s black, white, and red all over? Two nuns in a chainsaw battle.

I feel bad for people named John Smith. They probably didn’t get the gmail account they wanted.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

I take the time every night to read Facebook statuses to my children as part of my stay in school campaign.

On the way into work I dropped my doughnut on the sidewalk. You read about these things, but never think it’ll happen to you.

Why are ducks always sad? Because of their bills

You heard of what happened to Robin Williams? You could say his jokes had him “gasping” for air.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

Have you heard my joke about construction? I’m still working on it

I can never remember, is it “break a leg” or “choke and die”? My niece looked pretty upset.