that’s a rather intricate bullet proof vest ur wearing “this is a front-side baby carrier. this is my baby..” dude that’s messed up

I have a joke about US history but….. I’m going to rewrite it.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

Jesus walks into a bar, puts three nails on the counter, and says to the barkeep … “Hey, could you put me up for the night?”

Why do they call it a third eye? If its on your fourhead?

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other. So it was a happy ending

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. ~What is your sin, child? My husband and I are arguing ~That’s very common. …about my boyfriend.

Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but you’re on Facebook instead.

Do you like any sports? No, but i like ~~the iphone~~ 10s

NO. Absolutely not. I do not want to see your stupid cat video I’ve seen a billion cat vid-yeah ok let me see