Alcohol is nothing but poison But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

I be a quantum pirate. I’ll make ye walk the planck.

Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Mick Jagger Barbie …Mick with Barbie’s head…but Mick’s lips

The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.

Customer: “It says I’ve performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?”

Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because blonde boys aren’t all that bright either.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural? Dumb Bob: You add S. T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us. DB: [writes] SNAIL

I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.

Sometimes my dog barks so loud she farts which coincidentally is also Donald Trump’s foreign policy platform. (Also his domestic platform.)