*erases 1 and writes 0 on the ‘days without incident’ chart at Earl’s Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*

You know what’s the worst thing about having sex with 28 year olds? You have to keep track of all twenty of ’em

Wife: You said you’ll keep me as a queen but you make me dig the farm all day. WTF is this about? Husband: Darling you are my Queen of Spades.

I once dated a model, but I always preferred the earlier versions. This particular one was not very user-friendly, she was high-maintenance and my friends would always borrow her for personal use.

What was Rihanna’s nickname for Chris brown? Beats me.

Just started a new job and apparently they use the word work less figuratively than I do.

If you ever get a job at a bank, take care not to slice your hand open while handling notes and coins. If that happens, you’ll be sure to get a pay cut.

Going to Arizona in 2 weeks. Better bring my passport in case I accidentally get a tan.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don’t get lost.