I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.

For my food service workers out there: How many servers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That’s not my fucking sidework!

How do you get a Warriors fan to stop masturbating? Paint his dick Cavaliers maroon and yellow.

How do you catch a bra? You set a booby trap.

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning. Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

What’s a mouse’s best friend? Curiosity!

How about a Home Alone movie where Macaulay Culkin is the dad and he leaves his kids at home because that’s all he knows?

They say “once you go black, you never go back,” but.. If it’s Hispanic, you know it’s *gigantic!*

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.