I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?

Coworker: I could care less! Me: How much less could you care? Coworker: I don’t get it. Me: I noticed.

What did one angel say to the other? “Halo.”

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

I bet George Washington’s favorite drinking game had to have been Quarters.

(Commercial for noses) *puts bump of cocaine up butt, turns to camera* “If only there was a better way”

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.