Me: I have NO drafts! Wife: *opens window* Me: … Wife: *opens door* Me: … Wife: That better? Me: I should have married your sister.

I was going to get married once… …but then I got sick with cancer.

What do you call it when two guys open a weed dispensary? A joint venture.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

what do pirates have with their fish tart arrrrrrrr sauce

Someone should tell Pam at work that no one wants to hear how cool her boyfriend is unless she’s dating a helicopter.

What’s the most dishonest place on earth? The Library

Actual “dad” joke from my dad What does Mickey Mouse do to Minnie Mouse after she drowns and he pulls her out of the water? Mouse to Mouse resuscitation.

What’s a horny pirates worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty

I worry my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe a vision of how much worse it could have been.