I hesitate to make fun of “Canadian bacon,” because I know they’ll eventually play the “American cheese” card.

If your toilet paper roll is on the wrong way, I’ll fix it and then never come over again.

Why’d the band teacher go to jai? Because he fingered A-minor

Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once? I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.

What did Jeffery Dahmer yell when he jumped in the pool? CANNIBAL!!!

Siri, where did I go wrong? Siri: How long you got?

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Jews? Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend? Me: No, it’s for me. Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Went to get coffee for a coworker. I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

What is a pirate’s favorite pokemon? Arrrriados