Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.

For Halloween I’m goin to go as lost weed. Cause that’s everyone’s nightmare.

What do we want? Procrastination! When do we want it? We will get around to it sooner or later.

Q: How many MP’s does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it’s done.

RIP evaporating water. You will be mist.

I ruined tonight’s chilli. My ~~brother~~ sister said it was too spicey.

Sorry I always spell your name Brain, guys named Brain.

When are minorities not minorities? When you look at crime statistics.

Dad: Tall latte Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name? Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one? *all the other dad’s give him high fives*

What do you call a German guy that measure horses Hands