Mickey: “Minnie, I’m leaving you.” Minnie: “What!? Are you fucking crazy!?” Mickey: “No, I’m fucking Daisy”

What do we say to Boris Johnson and Donald Trump running the world? Hair Hair!

I like my women like I like my coffee All ground up and in the freezer.

To the guy that invented zero… Thanks for nothing.

A: Knock knock… B: Who’s there? A: Gas station security, you tore down a poster in a bathroom, give us the money in your wallets or we’ll shoot you

Why did the vegetables hop into the boiling pot of water? They were part of a stewicide pact.

What do you call an Irish gangster that all living systems strive for? (X /r/ScienceJokes) Homie O’Stasis.

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter. He won’t come anyway.

Me: I am sad, we don’t have any cookie crumble for my ice cream. Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby

Your mum should get tested for HIV It will be the only positive thing in her life