Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch? M: I’d rather be the Mom K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Catherine Zeta-Jones was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder half of the time she is Zeta, the other half shes Jones

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

There was once a zoo that only had one animal: a dog. It was a pretty Shitzu.

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum’s too frightened he’ll break it!

What do you call a human organ cut in half ? A human piano.

My girlfriend uses an amazing skin moisturizer It’s like taking a handy from a baby!

Girls are magic… They get wet without water, can bleed without injuries and get boneless things hard!

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette’s word was quizzical. The redhead’s word was photosynthesis. The blonde’s word was dick.

Constipated people just don’t give a shit.