I want to play checkers today so I can say “Martin Luther King me!”

The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket. ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Two clocks are sitting around, when a man walks up the man takes away the clocks little hands and walks away. The clocks then yell at him, saying “You can’t do that, it’s hours!”

A man orders a coffee without milk. The barista replies, “I’m sorry, we’re out of milk. Can I get you a coffee without cream instead?”

I just realized I’m a bisexual. Every time I have sex, I have to buy it.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

What do you call a robot dressed in drag? A transition metal.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.