Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now..

One sneeze: Bless you. Two sneezes: Ugh, bless you. Three sneezes: Silence. Four sneezes: We’ll never be as close as we once were.

5yo: I can’t wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you’re here from the future to save the world.

I saw a gay bar with the entrance boarded up, but it was open… Everyone goes in the back door anyway

Did you guys hear about the homeopath who forgot to take his meds? He died of an overdose.

“Mah son’s real smart!” crowed the redneck mother to an acquaintance. “He’s only six but he can already spell his name backwards and forwards!” “What’s his name?” asked the friend. “Bob.”

Being a bachelor is dangerous. I pulled a groin muscle while getting out of bed. Over and over and over….

What is the appropriate response to a great performance at the Special Olympics? A handiclap

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.” “$3.23.” “Oh, and a bottle of water.” “$87.54. Please drive thru.”

I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.