What’s cold and always runs from a fight? Coward ice.

Cats are just dogs who’ve been to drama school.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

What’s the safest place in Dallas during a tornado? The Cowboys stadium, the only place there’ll never be a touchdown

Cop – “sir, are you a salamander?” Me – [is 9 inches long. enjoys a mixed diet of earthworms, flies, beetles and vegetation]

First ghoul: You don’t look too well today. Second ghoul: No I’m dead on my feet.

That which does not kill me… should run.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

Joke of the day Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!

How do Mexicans cut pizza? Little Caesars (say it out loud)