My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine? me: laughter nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD- me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

How many American golf fans does it take to change a lightbulb? 1001 1 to offer up the bulb and 1000 to scream ‘Get in the hole’

Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can’t spell toboggan (This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

Being in love is amazing, the way it takes your breath away, closes your air passages and renders you unconscio–no, wait, that’s asthma.

What’s the difference between a good joke and click bait? This isn’t a good joke.

Today someone told me that I was ignorant and apathetic. I don’t know what that means and I don’t care.

What do you call a woman that doesn’t make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

Who Has a Chance for the Title: The World’s First Gay Ass Motherfucker? Brody Jenner, Bruce’s / Caitlyn’s son First joke posted.