My school janitor is a part-time pianist. He has 88 keys.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

I called the rape advice hotline… …Turns out it’s only for victims. Edit:: Guys relax! Its JUST A JOKE.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Albee ! Albee ! Albee a monkey’s uncle !

If college football created a bowl game called the “Hyperbole,” which two teams would be selected to play in it? The two greatest teams in the history of the known universe.

What do you call a two dentists that live on opposite sides of the world? Molar opposites.

Not to play the martyr, but I feel like the thousands of fruit flies in my kitchen should be more appreciative for all I have given them.

What do you say when a virgin sneezes? Goesintight.

2 Scientists walk into a bar… The first one tells the bartender, “I’d like some H2O” Upon hearing that, the second scientist says, “I’d like some water too. Jimmy, we’re not in the lab anymore…”

i hope the guy behind me in line doesn’t think i’m a weird cat lady cause my cart’s full of fancy feast. i just like the way it tastes, dude