This tub of margarine doesn’t believe it’s me.

Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.

Nuts I like: -Cashew. -Almond. -Pistachio. Nuts I don’t like: -Hairy. -Religious.

What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands? A dope ring.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord. My ass!

I’m going on a seafood diet for the holidays… that is, I see food and I eat it.

What’s a dragracers favourite meal? Brake-fast

Is that dress white and gold or black and blue? Either way, it’s refressing seeing a debate about color in America that wasn’t started by a cop killing someone. @NatBaimel

You can’t spell Chipotle without E. Coli