I’m no computer expert, but spreadsheets are really where I Excel

My phone autocorrected “killed” to “kilt”… Well plaid, phone… Well plaid.

I wish women would put the toilet seat back up after they’re done using it.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today? 5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.

How are one night stands like savings accounts? …you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

Are you addicted to masturbation? Reach out to me and we can beat it together.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.

Uniformed personnel walk a fine line between being ignorant and being out of shape. Add a letter and they’re uninformed. Take one away and they’re unformed.