Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

What do you call a Mexican little person? A paragraph because he isn’t a full ese (essay)…

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint; the phone rings,and he jumps up shouting: “Oh Shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

I can’t remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals… …fucking livid…

I’ve not smoked weed in two year, during that time I’ve completed sooooo much …………………. drunk

The minus sign tried to explain to the plus sign how multiplication works, … … but he only understood sum of it.

How do man-eating monsters count to a thousand? On their warts.

DATE: *gets in car* ME: hi *starts driving* DATE: how’s it going? ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons