People who say “no regrets” just have too many regrets to keep track of.

If Bernie Sanders is elected president, I want to spend a weekend at the White House and film it. I’ll call it “Weekend at Bernie’s”

Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf Guy: do you mean polo? Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes

Knock knock… Who’s there? Smell mop. Smell mop who? (Wait for inevitable groans) Courtesy of my boss, lover of lame jokes.

A pack of coyotes shrieking at 3:12 AM is less unsettling if you instead imagine it’s a bachelorette party that just got a limo upgrade.

Why is flour so dumb? It’s inbred.

What kind of shoe does Mr. T wear? T-shoes!

I posted a joke about a coffin before on reddit It got buried

Knock knock, Who’s there? Harper Lee (Author of “To kill a mockingbird”) Harper Lee, who? Harper Lee I can fly….

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.