Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Other people’s children are my form of birth control.

The local flasher in my area was going to retire this week but he’s changed his mind and is going to stick it out till Christmas.

I’ve decided not to have children The kids are devastated.

I started downloading Jaws the other day But after one megabyte, my computer died.

*Getting a tattoo* Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn’t have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.