wife: im pregnant me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments wife: im the mother me: this is what I’m talking about

Why were people in the Twin Towers so upset? They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane

What was the last thing that went through Osama Bin Ladens head before he died? I hope they’re all female…

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snowballs

How do you know if someone’s an engineer without asking them? Don’t worry they’ll tell you

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.” “What kind are you using?” “Grape”

This one got my coworkers The stewardess on my flight asked me what snack I would like. I told her “The plain chips would be fine. She says “They are all plane chips, sir.”

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

A young woman rolled her eyes towards me, So I picked them up and rolled them back.

[Interview] Why do you want this job? Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t. *pulls out Snickers* I just wanted to eat this without my kids around