Yea, autocorrect, I meant “nymph” instead of “my phone” because I am a 16th Century poet.

I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.

How do you confuse a blonde? You don’t. They’re born that way!

I held the door open for a clown today… …it was a nice jester.

The dalai lama walks into a pizza parlor… And he asks the cashier to make him one with everything.

I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…

What do you call a masterbating cow? Beef stroganoff

hey Colorado, hows your aspen? (ass been)

wife: Why is 9 crying? me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet wife: But we’re at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

What keeps the KKK happy? A Klan-do attitude… I’ll walk myself out.