What’s the difference between hard and light? I can go to sleep with a light on.

Did ya hear about the woman with five legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove.

What do you call a bird that speaks Spanish? A Si-gull

Soup Person1 my alphabet soup is telling me a message. Person 2 what is it saying? Person1: oooooo Person 2 *sigh* Those are cheerios

Wife: that’s never going to work Husband: you’re so negative, Sandra W: you’re planting bird seeds H: LET ME GROW MY BIRDS, WOMAN

What has five arms, three legs and a head? The finish line at the Boston Marathon

Why did the communists trip over? Because they were Russian!

Whenever we eat hummus my girlfriend always says to me…. HUMMUS IS YUMMUS!!!!!

When my dad caught me smoking a cigarette he took me out to the shed and forced me to teach him how to be hella cool.

I don’t like how girls always want the guy to make the first move. Sometimes I just want to play as black.