How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it’s dick.

I teased Peyton Manning so he broke my phone. Now it’ll never go past one ring….

What were the Mexican crisps doing in the locked conference room? It’s nacho business!

In my day, you actually had to leave your house to be a whore. Thanks, internet.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue

Accidentally left creatine out on the counter overnight and there’s a bigass 3″ tall ant in my kitchen calling me bro now… scared to go in

What’s the difference between a cow, and 9/11? You can’t milk a cow for 14 years.

The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows

People who put a shitload of bumper stickers on the back of their vehicles love to loudly refer to God as a “she” in public places.