twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take -Jenny Mccarthy

Why don’t chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their faces.

My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course I’ve never heard it get thrown out a window before.

Who wins most of the medals for bravery in Burger Land? The meatball heros!

Do you know how I know that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans.

Trampolines used to be called jumpolines Until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

What i if told you You the read first line wrong And the second