I saw Death walking out of my house today… I guess Grandma won. Again.

I really envy Gay couples At least then both people like anal. I have to keep pulling my girlfriends thumb out of my ass.

Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

“NO HOMO” i scream at my dog Homo as he shits on the carpet

My masturbation addiction is getting bad I’m right in the grips of it.

Why does Donald Trump dislike Bernie Sanders? Chickens tend to avoid anything with the last name “Sanders”.

Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!

You should be able to get out of a speeding ticket if you can prove you were listening to a kick-ass song.

“Yoda, are we supposed to be here?” “Off course we are.”

Why shouldn’t you talk to someone with a brain tumor?…. ..because they’ve got a lot on their mind.