After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me. What do you call Afghan triplets? Twins! I am so sorry….

What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him? Danke

Why should you never fight a dinosaur? You’ll get jurasskicked!

What did the ocean say to the river? “You can run but you can’t tide.”

Prostitutes are really over achievers… I mean all they do is succeed.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

How do you know a Brigham Young student’s been mowing the lawn? The welcome mat is destroyed.

What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the galaxy!

My daughter’s been seeing someone called Jim. Only for an hour each time, always in sports gear and often sweaty afterwards. I don’t approve

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.