Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…

missed connection: you walked by my house and saw me drinking from the hose. please respond with the hose color so I know it’s you

Roses are red Violets are blue Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

Two wives talking about sex The first asks ‘Do you smoke after sex with your husband?’ ‘I don’t know’ replies the second ‘I’ve never looked’.

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day. I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.

Why did the aardvark cross the road? To beat up the idiot telling jokes about him. (Not an original joke)

Don’t ask me where I’ve been all your life if you’re going to look so bored when I open my diary and give you a comprehensive answer.

Marriage is like a card game. At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you’ll want a Club and a Spade.

Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor? He had only one eye, but two pupils!

Know why Chick-fil-A doesn’t have a sandwich with two patties on it? because they don’t want two chicks on top of each other! *RIMSHOT*