“This is groundbreaking stuff.” Inventor of the shovel

I used to think it was cool when all those athletes would say hi to my mom on TV.

An abstinence ring and a wedding ring are essentially the same thing. Both come with lack of sex.

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Why did the chicken cross the road? To visit the idiot. Knock knock. Who’s there? *The chicken.*

I just submitted my penis as “Innovator of the Year” in 2009, for his pioneering work in solving womens hunger.

“Try it, it’s so good!” “Come on, man. Just a taste.” “I’m having some. Mmmm.” “Trust me.” Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

A Physicist sees a man about to jump off the Eiffel Tower He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want….It’s more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.